A Post from my heart.

I know I can work much better if I tell myself that what I am doing is a Sadaqa (charity) more than anything else. When I saw Haroon this morning with the baby sitter, I started to question if this was really worth sacrificing his happiness for. In all honesty I don't really need to work. The blessings that God has given me are plenty enough to stay home and give 100% of time to my children but when I was home I had the guilt of not contributing to society when I know very well that I can and have the ability to do so. Now, a different problem arises.

I visited the children's room at the school to have my coffee warmed. Haroon was holding the milk bottle for the other baby in the room. I couldn't at first tell that he was trying to hold in his feelings and look ok for me. He looked bored and had sad eyes. When I said I was leaving he looked away and tried not to make any eye contact. I kept talking to him. I said mama has to go back to work and that he should play and enjoy himself. This was when he just could not hold it anymore. I cannot describe the feelings that rushed through me when I noticed he was very very unhappy to be there alone.

I hate sounding negative. My role as a mother comes first. It is extremely disturbing for me to continue my work knowing Haroon is very sad - almost distressed  This is his last year at home as he goes to school starting next year Insha Allah. I am happy that Jannah had three years with me. But I am deeply saddened that I cannot do the same for Haroon.

I will not forget today for a long time to come. Haroon has been at work with me since May this year. Like most children, he settled in after the first week. He talks so adorably and remembers to say please and thank you for everything he wants or gets. All his friends left to preschool and he is lonely there now. His sorrow is my sorrow too and I have made a decision to be there for him whatever it takes. I can't do anything about the job because I have given my word  for a year but I can try not to bring work home. I can chose to either work part-time or not at all next year. I can choose to be his friend every chance I get. Childhood does not last very long and babyhood is even shorter.

I miss watching him grow up. I miss hearing his constant chatter in my ears. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss being there for him... My little baby!

Haroon, all the money and more in the world would not be worth to have even an hour without you. I wish you had more family and grandparents to spoil you because you truly deserve it.

I miss you so much that I can cry a bucket full of tears for you!

Sossy haroon :'(

Love always
Mama